Jesus

Jesus (1993 - 2027), also referred to as Jesus of New England, was an influential political commentator and influencer during the Extra Dark Ages of the Federated States of New England. Jesus’ political beliefs have been described as moderate, left-leaning, alt-right, and anarcho-communist.

Background

Jesus was born in the suburbs of Newark, New Jersey. His mother, Mary, was single at the time of his birth, but she later married Jesus’ step-father, Joseph. Not much is known about Jesus’ childhood, but his former classmates have described Jesus as “a little weird… [he] once multiplied his bread instead of memorizing his times tables” and “a pretty nice guy, but a little controversial."

Jesus in Freakburg2

As a teenager, Jesus ran a small YouTube channel dedicated to his pastime as a hobbyist carpenter. Despite the gaining popularity of his YouTube channel in certain niche internet communities, Jesus quit posting in 2007. He cited the official declaration of the extinction of every tree species on Earth as a contributing factor, but he did not elaborate.

Rise to Prominence

After enrolling in SUNY Oneonta College in 2011, Jesus quickly became the president of both the College Republicans and the College Democrats. Jesus stated he was “trying to bridge the gap between loser virgins and annoying socialists.”

This centrist rhetoric got the attention of John McCain and Bill Clinton, earning Jesus a high-ranking position in the Federated States of New England’s Government in 2012. The official title and description of his job are classified, and have been the subject of extensive rumors and theories on online platforms.

While working for the Federated States of New England, Jesus began posting short-form video content, amassing over 80 billion followers across all platforms. Jesus called for radical new stances, including loving one another. Critics have called these stances gay.

As Jesus’ fame and influence rose, he began to accumulate IRL followers, designating twelve of his followers as apostle-like figures. These apostles are: Ron Paul, Hasan, a Creeper from Minecraft, Mikal Bridges, a guy named John, Slender Man, Chapell Roan, LeBron James, Judas, a stray cat, Bernie Sanders, and reformative justice as a concept.

Political Career

Jesus has been credited with swaying every major election between 2008 and 2028. Starting in 2016, Jesus began hosting his podcast, The Jesus Radical Experience (JRE). On his podcast, Jesus told listeners which candidate to vote for, and then everyone would listen to Jesus. The extent of his influence has been attributed in part to his very persuasive demeanor.

When a reporter from The New York Post :3, the official state-sponsored publication of the Federated States of New England, asked Jesus why he didn’t just run for political office himself, Jesus responded by saying “read the Gospel in its entirety, for it is the word of God.”

Ketamine Scandal

Jesus was arrested on January 6th, 2025 for illegal possession of ketamine. Authorities arrested Jesus outside of the Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia, PA. He was transported to a secret location, and no trial was held.

Death

Jesus was euthanized by the Federated States of New England in 2027. It has been rumored that Jesus rose three days later outside of the MetLife Stadium. Candace Owens was reported to have found Jesus, supposedly risen from the dead. No evidence has been found which supports or does not support the occurrence of these events.